GAD and Sexy

It's not a nightmare, but you just can't dream about that person any more. Unwelcome dreams from Theodoor Thomas on Vimeo .

I've screwed up a fair amount of relationships in my years. The previous sentence is more popularly written as: "I've been so unlucky in love, I always seem to meet the wrong person".  However there comes a point where you have to look back and go, hmm yeah that was number 16 failing maybe it's something I'm doing wrong. This post is a culmination of, my own experiences over the past 4 years, intense contemplation over the last 2 months and an inspiring book I read which managed to structure my thinking on the subject (link supplied at the bottom of this post). Although I wrote it mostly for myself I hope that readers of this post can see some sense in these words. “All that we are is the result of what we have thought" - Gautama Buddha It can be very empowering taking responsibility for your own fuck ups. Especially when you're done bitching and moaning to your friends about it. Which is a necessary step in the process to recover...

The name Al Lowe makes me zip back to the 90's. I played my version of Leisure Suit Larry on a 80286. Ironically I played the non VGA (Video Graphics Array)  remake on a VGA capable IBM computer. But then the computer wasn't mine and I often had to play it on a EGA monochrome as well. Come to think of it, the best thing they ever did to EGA was make it monochrome, the colors it produced were awful (even considering that EGA stands for Enhanced Graphics Adapter), which when compared a  MDA (Monochrome Display Adapter) card was probably correct. But then again if you had an MDA card (which I did on my 8088 XT) you could run a CGA (Color Graphics Adapter) emulator so you could still play games including Leisure Suit Larry. So yeah, as I said, memories. Anyway! I was posting a link here and I got all distracted. So! Make Leisure Suit Larry come again! I'm all for it! Which is wonderful as the project made it's funding goal which means we're talking a HD (that sta...

There have been moments these last months where I could do nothing else but look back on the last couple of years of the previous century. Back when I just started my career in the whole, what is now, the internet industry. You tech guys probably know what I'm talking about, those days when ideals still had a big part in the whole Internet game. Sales people crying because they didn't get what they wanted from the tech department, as most of the time what they wanted was just unethical. In those days we often functioned as a firewall ourselves between the money making machine and the users. When I had some time left to kill in between calls I read  Userfriendly , browed  Slashdot and checked out the latest WindowMaker themes. In 1998 I was doing customer support for a small ISP (Internet Service Provider) located in Rotterdam (The Netherlands).  When a call came in I often felt the need to bang my head on the table top, complicated dial-in script and novice users ...

Why I have no business taking a relationship to the next level (and proof that I have zero clue about women). Having talked about problems and misunderstandings in our relationship with my girlfriend for a large part of the day, our phone conversation was reaching its conclusion. Girlfriend : I don’t know, you just give me the feeling you don’t really want this relationship. I feel you’re steering me towards the end. Me : I really don’t understand how I’m giving you that feeling. (followed by me listing a whole bunch of stuff which illustrates my involvement and dedication). Girlfriend : It’s not in the things you don’t do it’s the feeling you bring across. Me : But I feel that I really want this relationship to work. Girlfriend : Could you at least think about it? Me : Sure I’ll think about it... But do you mind, I’m going to hang up now I’ve been standing here naked for the last 20 minutes while having this talk and it’s starting to feel a bit silly. Also I just turned...

So I’ve been thinking about writing a meaningful flashback/review of my vacation in Świnoujście Poland. One of the strangest places, I visited in Poland and then not strange in a good way, but more strange in a somewhat boring-jaw-dropping-creepy way. I decided I would try to be all nice and objective and writer like, make sense in what would be my traveler voice (never mind that I would totally love to be a traveler and a man of the world but I’m so not). But then I thought since we’re all sharing our social lives on “the internet” and some people can barely fart without tweeting about it, I might as well throw it all overboard and just write in my own voice, be completely honest, really just confess to the world how completely disturbed I am. Come to think of it, I’d really only confess to people that have an interested in what’s going on in my head or life so I figure about one or two people will make it to the end of what I’m writing now. Since this post was going to be abou...

So last evening in the hotel and one of my dreams kinda sorta totally didn't come true, but in a sort of freaky way I came close to it. I was sitting in the bubble bath next to the hotels swimming pool, just relaxing and preparing myself mentally for a long solo drive back home. When suddenly 3 young women appeared from behind me and joined me in this tiny tub. Now normally I would cheer and be all manly (read: look the other way and get all shy), but sadly for me these women weren't so much women but they were actually girls around the age of 7 or 8. Bummer of course but getting the hell out of there felt like the wrong thing to do and not very polite (yeah I think about that stuff), so I stayed in and just tried to relax as the 3 whispered to each other and stared at me just to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Suddenly I felt a cloud of warm water surrounding me which made me lookup in surprise. The girl sitting next to me had a odd smile on her face and clearly lo...