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I still REALLY like you

Why I have no business taking a relationship to the next level (and proof that I have zero clue about women). Having talked about problems and misunderstandings in our relationship with my girlfriend for a large part of the day, our phone conversation was reaching its conclusion.

Girlfriend: I don’t know, you just give me the feeling you don’t really want this relationship. I feel you’re steering me towards the end.

Me: I really don’t understand how I’m giving you that feeling. (followed by me listing a whole bunch of stuff which illustrates my involvement and dedication).

Girlfriend: It’s not in the things you don’t do it’s the feeling you bring across.

Me: But I feel that I really want this relationship to work.

Girlfriend: Could you at least think about it?

Me
: Sure I’ll think about it... But do you mind, I’m going to hang up now I’ve been standing here naked for the last 20 minutes while having this talk and it’s starting to feel a bit silly. Also I just turned on the shower.
 
Girlfriend: What?! ehm, yeah sure. We’ll talk later.

We hang up and I jump under the shower. Standing around under the spray of hot water while my mind wonders back to the talks we had that day. I’m washing myself when an epiphany strikes me. I quickly turn off the shower and dry myself, completely convinced I have found the source of the problem and on a mission to bring instant relief to the loaded conversations we had that day.

While still in my underwear I grab my mobile and call her back.

Girlfriend: Hey, what’s up?

Me: Yeah hey, listen I think I figured out why I’m giving you the feeling I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. It’s all cool!

Girlfriend: Really? Great! tell me?

Me: Yeah so. Here’s the thing remember when you told me all the way in the beginning that I wasn’t in love with you but it was just infatuation? Well, I think a little while ago that infatuation died down! You know, causing me to look at other women coz I could totally have sex with them, but don’t worry I wouldn’t of course! I think you felt my infatuation go down, but I still really want this relationship, I’m just not infatuated with you anymore. So it’s all cool!

Girlfriend: *stunned silence* .... wtf...

Me: O wait, no no no, I didn’t mean it like thaaaaat. I still REALLY like you!

The miracle that day was that she didn’t dump my sorry ass right there and then...



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Failed gamer review of Resident Evil 7 Biohazard

My review as a failed gamer of Resident Evil 7 Biohazard (isn't that two words?!).
Started up the game with a pounding heart. Entered the first area, darkroom flashlight lit only. Ambiance: grany died a horrific death by a rabie infested shih-tzu many moons ago, the kids never helped her with the household.

Making a 360 in the room had my heart pounding...

After 5 minutes I sprinted to the exit, clicked the action button to open the door and ran back. The door only opened a crack. Gave myself a pep talk and with one eye closed ran against the half open door into the hallway, crapped my pants and switched of the computer.

Ambiance: 10/10
Graphics: 10/10
Play-ability: 0/10
Story: Way to freaking scary 😨

http://residentevil7.com/

A letter to my imaginary friend

I know you don't like my writing, however after not speaking to each other for a while it became impossible to pick up the phone or to drop by. Especially in the way we parted. I fear your anger and rejection of my white flag. So I'd like to ask you to just ignore my writing and only read what I have to say.
Yes, I feel responsible for most of the things that have gone wrong. I must be the only person on this planet that manages to even screw up with his imaginary friend. We said some horrible things to each other last time we spoke. Of course I assumed that you, being my imaginary friend, would understand every word and all sub context. It seems that I was wrong, I've never felt as misunderstood by someone in my life before. I'm not passing blame, it's unreasonable to long from anyone to completely understand you.
We do have some crazy memories don't we? Remember when we were trying the difference in taste of that home brewed vodka I had standing in the cupboard…